What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Vanilla Ice: putting your zeros to shame since 1991, ladies.

Cast of Characters: 
Johnny Van Owen – Vanilla Ice 
Kathy Winslow – Kristin Minter 
Grace Winslow – Candy Clark 
Tommy Winslow – Victor DiMattia 
Gordon Winslow – Michael Gross 

Director – David Kellogg 
Writer – David Stenn 
Producer – Carolyn Pfeiffer & Lionel Wigram 
Distributor – Universal Pictures 
Running Time – 91 minutes
Rated PG 

Johnny Van Own (Vanilla Ice) is a rapper – or at least thinks he is – that roams from town to town, gigging with his crew. While out biking one day, they’re left stranded in a small town after a member’s bike breaks down and is left at a local repair shop. Johnny, though, finds a silver lining in this setback when he sets eyes on local girl and honor student Kathy Winslow (Kristin Minter). She’s turned off by him – so is her boyfriend, for some reason – but that doesn’t stop Johnny from stalking – err, I mean pursuing the girl of his dreams. 

And with pants that look like they came out of the oversized section at a Gymboree, who’s to say he doesn’t have a shot? 

Meanwhile, former cop and Kathy’s father Gordon (Michael Gross) is suspicious of Johnny, believing him to be involved with some shady men from his past. Who are these shady men, you might ask? Well, they’re crooked cops that Gordon once ratted on, and as the saying goes, “snitches be getting stitches, bitches”, and it looks like no amount of witness protection is gonna be protecting ol’ Gordo from getting dem stitches. 

Why exactly is this subplot needed? Well, it’d be easy to just answer who knows and who cares. However, when your lead Casanova is none other than a man who justified his ripping off a famous Queen riff by stating he used a different riff, before then proceeding to prove it by humming the EXACT SAME RIFF, you’re gonna need something to distract viewers from the fact that they’re being subjected to root for a major tool-bag to win the girl of his dreams. 

So, yeah, this film is headlined by Vanilla Ice. What else needs to be said? 

… 

Okay, I’ll continue anyway, but first… 

Vanilla Ice’s Tips for Successful Dating and Relationships: 

Step 1: When you first see the girl of your dreams, go full throttle on your bike and nearly run her over. If that doesn’t work, you can at least vroom really fast by the horse she’s riding, scaring it shitless and wildly bucking her off its back. After all, love means never having to say your sorry for the potential closed head injury you nearly gave her. 

Step 2: Steal one of her belongings, that way you can guarantee a second meet-up. You end up looking like a hero returning her things, despite her already knowing full-well how much bull shit your obvious intentions are. Of course, George Costanza tried a similar tactic that didn’t work out so well for him, but let’s face it. That man had 99 problems and a bitch named Susan Ross was each and every one of them… which is way he kinda sorta killed her. 

Step 3: Since there’s no way you can tone your douch-baggery down, your best option is to meet her at a club that is filled with nothing but nerds so you come off looking even cooler than you never did before. She’ll still think you’re a weasel dick, but she’ll magically become impressed with you anyway simply for not being an acne-riddled, four-eyed loser. What’s hotter than knowing your dream girl is every bit as shallow as you? 

Step 4: Again, no need to tone the douch-baggery down. It’s useless in your case, and when your dream girl chooses you over her boyfriend, the writers will help you out not by making you a genuinely likable character but by immediately turning her ex-boyfriend into an abusive, homicidal asshole. That way both your dream girl and the viewers will have no choice but to settle for an overly cocky little shit like yourself. 

Step 5: Break into her bedroom in the morning and drip ice water on her lips. Just do it. 

Step 6: Take her on a first date she’ll never forget… like a construction site. She won’t see that coming, ’cause – uh – well… no one would see that one coming. But apparently, it’ll have her panties soaked in no time, and before you know it, you’ll be balls deep down inside that spasm chasm of hers. 

That is until the foreman arrives and chases you two off the grounds with a bulldozer. 

Cool as Ice is the type of film that screams I Love the ’90s and was probably made for $10, $8 of which went to Michael “the film’s big get from Family Ties” Gross. Why would Universal bother with a film like this? “Ice Ice Baby”, that’s why. Robert Matthew “Vanilla Ice” Van Winkle immediately shot to fame with his 1989 hit “Under Pressure” – I mean “Ice Ice Baby”, so Universal felt the need to strike while the iron was hot. Unfortunately for them, by the time Cool as Ice was ready for release, Vanilla Ice’s star had plummeted and crashed back to Earth faster than it shot up through the stratosphere, and that would explain why the studio did their damnedest to bury this movie further below the Mariana Trench. Not that it is flat-out impossible to locate this film. If you’re lucky, you may be able to find a 25 cent VHS copy at a random garage sale, right in between three other VHS copies of Bushwhacked, Surf Ninjas and Highlander II: The Quickening. 

This is the classic love story of the “rebel”, bike-riding boy that falls for the smart, levelheaded, attractive girl, who initially hates him at first, but you know that means in – three, two, one – they’re madly in love. And, of course, the dad disapproves ’cause he’s old and just doesn’t understand, so fuck him, right? But he’s at least gonna try to act intimidating as he threatens the boy to “stay away from my daughter or else”. And, of course, nothing says intimidating quite like the homely looking Mr. Rogers sweater vest your baby back bitch of a dad is wearing. But then, at the end, the boy earns the father’s trust and respect by way of a life-saving deed, and we get that semi-awkward yet heartfelt pause between the two of them, followed by the dad saying, “… Thanks.” 

So let’s recap: 

• Douchebag is rock hard for the smart girl, who clearly deserves better… much better. 
• Smart girl falls for douchebag anyway, proving that maybe she really isn’t all that smart and doesn’t deserve better. 
• Dad acts mean and tough, “I don’t want you anywhere near him.” 
• “Ugh – dad, you’re so old, and you just don’t get it. I’m in love, and I’ve been in love with him since I first met him – like – one scene ago.” 
• “You will regret this, sweetheart… By the way, I once ratted out two dirty cops, and now they’re after me.” 
• “… What?” 
• Douchebag manages to save the day. 
• Awkward pause. Dad says nothing but simply gives douchebag a humbled look that says, “I was wrong.” 
• “… Thanks.” 
• And they all lived happily ever after. 

So, that’s pretty much it, just a live-action ripoff of Lady and the Tramp, with the two criminal nimrods from Gordon’s past wedged-in there to provide a pointless “thriller” subplot. I guess they’re supposed to be tough too ’cause they talk with that stereotypical, smug Brooklyn mob accent: “Hey-a dere, yo… Jimmy! Whats youse doin’?! Heeeey, whatsamatta wits you!!” God knows they gotta be tough ’cause the smart thing isn’t exactly working out for them the way they very discreetly park their car literally right outside Gordon’s house and just chill out on the hood eating lunch in broad daylight for the whole neighborhood to see. 

Just imagine these two as drug informants. “Hello, Mr. Drug Dealer, sir. I would like to buy two drugs, please… Oh, and I’m not a cop either.” 

But enough of them, ’cause at the forefront of this film is the relationship that develops between Johnny and Kathy. And let me tell ya, these two together have the hot and impassioned romantic appeal of a battered and mentally broken housewife. 

“Drop that zero and gets with the hero!” 

Why isn’t this guy writing for Hallmark? 

It’s hard to say whether it’s the acting or the writing that deserves the most blame there, but I do know that not even Daniel Day-Lewis could muster up enough top-notch method skill to deliver that line with a straight face. 

But, dammit, I would totally give up my left nut to see him try. 

Of course, Cool as Ice offers very few, if any, surprises. You know Johnny and Kathy are going to end up together. Her disgust of him when they first meet pretty much sets it in motion. Usually, though, in even the worst of all chick flicks, it takes a bit of time for the two to warm up to each other, unlike here, where, by their next meet, she’s already lounging in his lap as they shove their tongues down each other’s throats. 

Truly, love at first sight – in this case, literally – does exist. 

Just after spending one day – just one day – with Johnny, Kathy firmly tells her dad that he doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about and that she trusts Johnny. I would’ve hated having to raise her as a kid ’cause something tells me she would’ve seen the first van parked by the playground with a sign on the side and went, “Ooh, this guy must be good! He’s got candy!!!!” 

And honestly, Daddy Winslow should know better. I know for damn sure that Steven Keaton would’ve never in a million years let either naive, somewhat daft, but sweet and well-meaning Mallory or young, bright go-getter Jennifer settle for some smug, hip-hopping doper like Johnny… ’cause there ain’t no nothing they can’t love each other through… 

Sha-la-la-la… 

In total fairness to Gordon, though, we can’t lay all the blame on his horrible paternal instincts. For one, he’s got enough on his plate as it is with extraneous corrupt cops chasing him down for no reason other than – well, I still don’t know why. Two, Kathy’s initial boyfriend is just as much of a douche as Johnny. I mean, we’re talking textbook, film cliche, preppy douche: jeans, tucked in, casual collared shirt, sports jacket and a Scott Baio Charles in Charge era hairdo. Those are the tell-tale signs. Then, when she tosses Mr. Totally Tubular ’80s to the curb, she winds up trading in one douche for another type of douche: baggy, neon-bright pants, shades, high top fade hairdo, and a tragic addiction to always having to get down at random moments throughout the movie. When you suddenly begin to hear cheesy hip-hop beats, you know he’s nearby. 

The point is that maybe we should just chalk up this little daddy/daughter conflict to being less about Gordon’s total lack of disciplinary skill, and more about understanding there’s pretty much nothing he can do when his daughter’s taste in men is inherently dog shit. 

The talent behind the camera fares no better, though if we’re going strictly by Mr. Van Winkle’s thespian skills in front of the camera, it definitely fares no worse either. Director David Kellogg – who’s film career began with Cool as Ice, then died eight years later with Disney’s live-action remake of Inspector Gadget – has basically created a 90-minute music video replete with sped-up footage, slow-motion and fish-eye lenses. Stylistically, nothing really makes sense, but that’s to be expected when you have a film that’s decorated like a kids’ theme park yet shot and lit like a David Fincher serial killer thriller. The point of Cool as Ice’s strange aesthetic isn’t to make any sense, however. No, really, it’s all just a vainly hyper-stylized attempt to distract you from the actual cinematic disaster taking place onscreen, the disaster here being Vanilla Ice bopping around other people like a manic Hoppity Hop, surrounded by set pieces that look like it was filmed inside a DZ: Discovery Zone. Four lines will be spoken, followed by a hip-hop beat with some wild and wacky dancing by everyone. Then in an abrupt transition that, tonally, is as seamless and delicate as a bull doing Baryshnikov through a china shop, we get Johnny and Kathy alone on a construction site, where Johnny states how nice it’d be to have a family. It’s at that moment where we finally connect with Johnny and truly feel for – wait, here comes the music again. Now Johnny and Kathy are dancing around construction, but in slow-motion this time ’cause I guess that’s what makes it romantic. 

By the way, “how nice it’d be to have a family” is just Johnny code for “I wanna bang the shit out of Kathy’s sweet penis garage.” 

The big problem with Cool as Ice is that it demands viewers to root for a guy who is so immensely unlikable. Johnny is so full of himself, and Kathy is such a poor judge of character that the only thing you’re rooting for is their blossoming relationship to crash and burn. Not just that, but the main, driving conflict of this film doesn’t even concern him. For being pushed as the main protagonist, his role in the battle between Kathy’s dad and the crooked cops is barely even tertiary. But, never fear, for writer David Stenn finds a way to not only redeem Johnny’s bloated, smug sense of self-worth but also give him a proper role in the primary conflict. Enter Kathy’s smart-ass kid brother, Tommy. Tommy’s solely in this film ’cause the crooked cops need someone to kidnap and Johnny needs someone to save in the third-act, and who better for that than Chekhov’s Baby Brother? 

If movies taught you anything, it’s that kids + criminals = third-act kidnappings. 

See, what this film should’ve focused on was Johnny’s aspiring hip-hop career, with the central conflict being Gordon’s over-protective, paternal concerns over his baby girl getting all hot and bothered for a goon who is so clearly not good enough for her. Would that have made the film good? Hell, no. But it would certainly be an improvement over watching Johnny crash his motorcycle through a construction site to save Tommy, while his motley crew beat up the criminals. How weak do you have to be to get your ass kicked handily by the mastermind behind “Ice Ice Baby”? 

Then again, now that I think of it, they probably weren’t fighting. They were probably all just dancing again. 

Fun fact: This film was shot by Janusz Kaminski. 

Oh, wait. My bad. Let me rephrase that. This film was shot by two-time Academy Award winner Steven Spielberg’s go-to cinematographer Janusz Kaminski, the man behind the lens of such Spielbergian classics as Schindler’s List, Saving Private Ryan, A.I. Artificial Intelligence and Minority Report. Legends say Spielberg saw this fresh masterpiece and thought, “Daaaaaaaamn, son. Look at all that hippin’ and hoppin’ around. Dis homeboy so fly, he be mad dope for my new Holocaust picture.” 

Kaminski went on to win two Academy Awards. 

… 

Vanilla Ice did not. 

It’s almost as if Kaminski – you know – dropped that zero and gots with the hero. 

See what I did there, kids? I brought it back full circle. 

Word to your mother. 

Judgment: Whether it’s the horrendous dialogue, Vanilla Ice’s virtuoso performance or the way he always has to have his “entrance” whenever he pops up onscreen, Cool as Ice will provide you with plenty of unintended laughter ’cause dis train wreck be straight trippin’. Oh, well. Acting didn’t cut it, but at least Vanilla Ice had a lengthy, solid music career to fall back on. 

Oh, wait. 

Sentence: 25 years writing romantic one-liners for Johnny. Good luck with allll that, Cyrano. 

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