Top 10 Worst Films of 2022

Hello, readers! It’s that time of year again. Yes, that time in January when I get to take another good, hard, deserved swing at the worst of the worst that 2022 had to offer in film. And, sweet Mary mother of God, last year put out some truly rancid abominations. Then again, maybe I should be better than this. Maybe I should take the high road here. After all, these filmmakers worked hard and poured their blood, sweat and tears into making these projects. Who am I to belittle them?

…

Fuuuuuuuuck that!! Hard work, my ass. This celluloid trash I watched you all lazily shit out begs to differ. You had studio money and talent both behind and in front of the camera, and this is the best you had to offer? Just the time wasted watching these films alone merits one last verbal thrashing.

Plus, you can’t have the yang without the yin.

So before we dive deep into this trash heap of cinematic abortions, let’s quickly run through some dishonorable mentions…

The 355, Black Adam, The Commando, Deep Water, The Gray Man, Hocus Pocus 2, Home Team, The Ice Age Adventures of Buck Wild, Jurassic World: Dominion, Mack & Rita, Me Time, Moonfall, Morbius, The Munsters, Prey for the Devil, Shattered, Ticket to Paradise, Tyler Perry’s A Madea Homecoming, Umma and Where the Crawdads Sing.

Yes, that’s how bad you next ten films ended up being. You actually beat out Happy Madison, Madea and a film that actually dared us to believe a lovely, well-kept Daisy Edgar-Jones, living in a surprisingly well-maintained home by herself for most of her life, is some abhorrent feral swamp outcast.

Well, with that out of the way, let’s now take out the trash, starting with…

10) The Bubble

One of a number of major disappointments released in 2022, The Bubble comes courtesy of writer/director Judd Apatow. Yes, the brilliant comic mind behind such comedy hits as The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Funny People and The King of Staten Island. Yet despite his talent behind the camera, and proven talent in front of the camera like Karen Gillan, Leslie Mann, David Duchovny, Fred Armisen, Pedro Pascal and Keegan-Michael Key, this “comedy” turned out to be so aggressively unfunny, it made me wanna bang my forehead against a rusty nail. Despite the goldmine of satirical potential presented in a premise that attempts to explore the hectic world of showbiz mixed with the challenges of pandemic life, The Bubble instead seems content to just wallow in its laziness, eschewing insightful biting commentary for dull, hackneyed gags. When the shitty B-movie being made by the characters looks like it’d be better than the actual movie, that’s not a good sign.

“And that fucking scene that we’re about to shoot? I don’t know how I’m gonna make it work, but I will. ‘Cause that’s what I do… I turn shit into gold.”, says Duchovny’s character.

Well, David, this meandering shit-show determined that was a lie.

9) Pinocchio

Of all the properties that have been remade to death, Pinocchio certainly stands at the top of that list… just in this year alone. Guillermo del Toro’s version turned out to be a delightfully dark reimagining. Regardless of whether his version was good or bad, though, one thing’s for certain, and that’s the Oscar-winning director probably got on his knees to thank the good Lord for letting his film follow Disney’s new remake, as his film couldn’t possibly be any worse than the House of Mouse’s soulless rehash of their beloved animated classic. Littered with tacky modern-day references to social media and pop culture (including a shameless, eye-rolling sequence with Geppetto’s cuckoo clocks reinacting other Disney movies), Disney’s new and updated version of Pinocchio is more depressing than Geppetto’s lonely, loveless existence. Here, we get two horrible voiceover accents for the price of one movie. Not only is Tom Hanks following up his other horrible accent from Elvis with whatever kinda weird folksy accent he’s leaning into for Geppetto, but Joseph Gordon-Levitt must’ve overheard Hanks, then said hold my beer, as my, oh my, he do declare he gon’ give Mister Jiminy Cricket a mighty dandy Southern accent soooo thick that aaaall y’all sumbitches can spread it cross a Cracker Barrel biscuit. All the more disappointing, this film was directed by Oscar-winning, visionary filmmaker Robert Zemeckis. Zemeckis gave us Who Framed Roger Rabbit almost 35 years ago, which was revolutionary in its blending of live-action and animation, and still holds up to this day. That film is over three decades old, and still looks far more seamless than whatever shit this ugly dumpster fire is trying to pass off as computer animation.

Worst of all, there is nothing new or even remotely interesting added to this updated adaptation, which only begs the question: Why then remake it at all?

But, hey, at least they no longer have the children smoke cigars like in the original film. That would sooo be a bad influence on the younger viewers, almost as bad as exposing them to trash like this.

8) Blacklight

What’s a year in bad cinema without Liam Neeson’s annual growly killing spree? Admittedly, I actually like some of Neeson’s action thrillers like The Grey, A Walk Among the Tombstones and Run All Night, just to name a few. However, it’s now more obvious than ever that he’s in full, late career Charles Bronson crappy action film sleepwalking mode. There’s really very little to mention here. I mean, what the hell is there to explain? You’ve seen one of these cinematic valium pills, you’ve seen them all. It’s just another movie where Liam Neeson has to save his family from the bad guys while we get to watch the Oscar-nominated actor not even attempt to act as he and Aidan Quinn’s bad guy growl at each other about how they’re gonna make the other pay.

“If I find out you had anything to do with my granddaughter disappearing… yurrrr gonna need moooore men.”

“No, yuuuurrrrrrrr gonna need moooooooorrrre men.”

“Noooo, yuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr gonna need moooooooooooooooorrrrrrrre men.”

“Arrrrrrrrgghh!!”

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Please, will one of you two alpha dicks just kill the other already, so the end credits can start?

Also, this may not be the only time you see Neeson’s name pop up on this list.

7) The Invitation

Believe it or not, in a year that included Morbius, The Invitation somehow managed to take the top prize of being the worst film to feature vampires. Here, Nathalie Emmanuel is a struggling artist who takes a DNA test and discovers she has extended family over in England. Then, when she’s invited by them to an upcoming family wedding, she further learns that they are sexy, bougie VAMPIRES – Oh. my. God!! It’s Dracula!! What an AMAAAAAAAAZING twist!! It sure plays itself like a shocking twist. Boy, does the entire movie hinge all around that damn twist, and I totally would not have seen that coming had this movie not have revealed it in pretty much all of its trailers and promos. Yes, that’s right. This fucking dumb-ass movie literally spoiled itself. But even putting aside the twist-spoiling, this film is just painfully dull. The effects are shoddy; the jump scares are cheap and repetitive; its commentary on race and class is, at best, juvenile; and the tonal shift once the vampires are revealed is so jarring and abrupt you’ll need a cervical collar afterward. Then, to add insult to injury, this film has the nerve to take Jonathan and Mina Harker, two protagonists from the original Bram Stoker novel Dracula, and do them both dirty by making them Dracula’s villainous lackeys. ‘Cause… eh – who really cares?

Save yourself the time, and just watch the trailer. It pretty much shows you the entire movie. Better yet, save yourself even more time by skipping the trailer too.

6) Don’t Worry Darling

Once again, we have another film that features wasted talent in front of and behind the camera. Aha! I’m sensing a trend here. Starring Florence Pugh, Chris Pine, Gemma Chan, Nick Kroll and Olivia Wilde, and directed by Wilde also, Don’t Worry Darling is an absolute, tedious mess from start to finish, a result made all the more disappointing considering Wilde’s fantastic directorial debut Booksmart from 2019. Despite its intriguing premise, Don’t Worry Darling turns out to be quite dumb. Even worse, it’s also pretentious in how smart its dumb self thinks it is with all its nonsensical plot turns and annoyingly on-the-nose symbolism. All this concludes in a laughable conclusion that only serves to add more confounding questions to the questions already raised at the beginning that are never answered. Looking back, I’m starting to think all the behind-the-scenes drama created during the making of this would probably make a better movie.

On the plus side, though, you can watch Florence Pugh act circles around Harry Styles. In fact, she’s not only acting circles, she’s spinning around him like Superman circling Earth at max speed.

Well… at least he can sing.

5) Memory

Hey, look at that. It’s Liam Neeson again, and he’s kicking people’s asses again. In Memory, he’s a contract killer, but he doesn’t have to feel bad about the people he murders ’cause he’s got Alzheimer’s and will most likely forget what happened the next day.

Get it? That’s why it’s called Memory. ‘Cause he’s dying of neurodegenerative disease.

This is pretty much the exact same stale movie as Blacklight, except now, in addition to be mind-numbingly stupid, it’s also off-putting in the way it provides nothing poignant to the Neeson character’s struggle with Alzheimer’s and instead uses it as a cheap plot gimmick. And to think this was directed by the underrated Martin Campbell, who gave us one of the best Daniel Craig Bond films with Casino Royale, easily the best Pierce Brosnan Bond film with GoldenEye, The Mask of Zorro, and directed Jackie Chan to one of his best performances in The Foreigner. Campbell’s best movies are known for their high energy and pulse-pounding tension, but his lethargic effort here is DOA. But at least Liam Neeson gets to square off against Australian Guy Pearce and growl his way to another paycheck.

“If you’re planning on thwarting my quest for vengeance… yurrrr gonna need moooore men.”

“Oi! Yuuuurrrrrrrr gonna need moooooooorrrre men, mate!!”

“Noooo, yuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr gonna need moooooooooooooooorrrrrrrre men.”

“Arrrrrrrrgghh, bloody wanker!!”

“Grrrr – wait… who are you?”

Dear God, Liam, you were a Jedi Knight, you trained Batman, you were Rob Roy, Michael Collins – hell, you scored an Oscar nomination for playing Oskar Schindler, for God’s sake. Please, remind me again of how great of an actor you can actually be, ’cause like your character here, I actually forgot.

4) Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Not gonna lie. There was a small part of me that was actually looking forward to Texas Chainsaw Massacre, if only ’cause I enjoyed the trailer, and, like 2018’s Halloween, it would serve as a direct sequel to the original 1974 slasher film (while also sharing a similarly uncreative disinterest in unique film titles)… Then I saw the movie, and never have I more envied teens getting a chainsaw violently run straight through their abdomens, ’cause at least they get the benefit of no longer having to finish the movie like I did. I’m all for suspending disbelief in movies of any genre. However, there comes a point where you run out of suspension and just have to call bull shit and that point is located somewhere at the laughable nerve of this film thinking it can trick me into falling for college-aged Gen-Z’ers somehow coming equipped with both the knowhow and the financial resources to gentrify an entire fucking neighborhood.

Yes, ’cause that’s what this blood-soaked franchise was missing – a socioeconomic plot centered on the displacement of lower-income residents.

But wait! ‘Cause just when you thought the bull shit meter couldn’t rise any higher, out comes a 70-year-old Leatherface chasing after another victim with a magic chainsaw that can instantly slice through the entire length of his home’s wooden floor like it’s hot butter.

Damn, that is some chainsaw.

Not even the talents of a woefully sidelined Elsie Fisher, a wonderful actress who delivered Oscar-worthy work in 2018’s Eighth Grade and gave another fine turn in last year’s horror comedy My Best Friend’s Exorcism, can save this miserable stab at following up a horror classic.

3) Redeeming Love

Nothing quite says date night with your honey more than viewing a tender romance film about child abuse and sex trafficking. Redeeming Love is based on the Old Testament account of Hosea, where the prophet Hosea would marry a prostitute, who’d then go back to her old ways and cheat on him, yet instead of putting her away, God told him to forgive her and take her back. It’s a profound story that examines themes of forgiveness, redemption and unconditional love, while also serving as a metaphor for God’s ever-patient and long-suffering relationship with Israel. But, woe is me! Somewhere in between moving from page to screen, all that good stuff gets completely lost in translation with this shit-show. This melodramatic romance is so oppressively awful it made me ritually unclean, as it is undoubtedly the cinematic equivalent to leprosy. It’s bad enough that this film is overbearingly melodramatic and makes no attempt whatsoever at subtlety with its symbolism. We get it. Angel’s the unrepetant slut and her saintly, long-suffering, oh-so perfect yet oh-so vanilla milquetoast other half Michael Hosea (I see what you did there, movie) is God. Yet the film’s most unforgivable sin is in its treatment of Angel. Now, it’s one thing for the story of Hosea to show his wife willfully stepping out on him and being in need of forgiveness. Angel, however, is clearly established as a longtime victim of child rape and sex trafficking, yet this film somehow still gets the balls big enough to wag its fucking finger in shame back at that poor traumatized woman.

I mean, c’mon, even a crude asshole like me finds that extremely tone deaf.

2) Firestarter

Critics universally praised and heralded the casting of an actual Native American to play Firestarter’s antagonist John Rainbird… and then promptly proceeded to shit on everything else about this remake, one that makes the very mediocre 1984 original look like a horror masterpiece. Honestly, you could cast the entire Cherokee Nation for all I care, and you’d still be left with this utterly horrible film, but I’d like to think every self-respecting Native American that was offered this script reeled in disgust after reading it and said, “Please, I insist, just cast a white guy for the part, ’cause… Good God, my ancestors suffered through enough shame already.” Coming from director Keith Thomas, in his sophomore feature effort, Firestarter boasts a shocking lack of tension and urgency. I’m not quite sure how the man who gave us such a strong debut with 2019’s unsettling horror film The Vigil could drop the ball so hard in making a film this excruciatingly dull. I mean, it’s about a girl who can set things, including people, on fire with her mind. The tension is literally right there for the taking in the premise, but instead, we get to watch Zac Efron look every bit as bored as the viewers watching him lumber his way through this dreck.

Seriously, even just halfway through, I was begging for that girl to reach right through the screen and set me ablaze.

And again, like Disney’s Pinocchio remake, this modern retelling adds nothing new or interesting to Stephen King’s story (a sharp contrast from the recent Pet Semetary remake that changed things up a bit in a few areas, and in turn, was a great improvement over the middling 1989 original). So, it again begs the question: Why bother remaking this at all?

Well, readers, we’ve finally made it to the very bottom, the lowest of the lows, the ninth circle of hell, the very, absolute worst of 2022. And, you know, I’ll be honest. I thought there’s absolutely no way we’ll get another film this year that manages to out-worst Firestarter. But, lo and behold, much to my devastated surprise…

Drum roll, please…

1) Amsterdam

Dear. God. in. Heaven. Last year, it was Don’t Look Up, and now this? You have a proven director, A-list, award-caliber acting talent, plus Taylor Swift proving she maybe shouldn’t quit her day-job, and what results is Amsterdam, an abominable, soul-crushing, tragic waste of talent so traumatically terrible I nearly had to be placed on suicide watch after witnessing it. For a film that has so damn much going on in it, Amsterdam has absolutely nothing to say about any of it, and is totally incaple of producing any sort of profound or thought-provoking impact from the real-life events its retelling. Instead, it just meanders like an aimless fucking idiot all the way to the end of its 134-minute runtime, of which you feel every single second of every single minute of it. Despite boasting the most star-studded cast of the year – Christian Bale, Margot Robbie, John David Washington, Robert De Niro, Mike Myers, Michael Shannon, Zoe Saldana, Rami Malek and Anya Taylor-Joy, among many others – none of these acting heavies are able to make anything of their one-dimensional characters, with even an intense and committed performer such as Bale looking like he has anything else better to do than be present in this film.

To think it’s been almost a decade since David O. Russell’s last great film, American Hustle. Since then, we’ve gotten Accidental Love, Joy and now this debacle. Please, Russell. Please… come back to us.

I wanted to love this film so bad, but in the words of Michael Corleone, “You broke my heart!”

Well, there you have it, readers. Those are my picks and I’m sticking to them. Next week, I’ll have the top 10 best films of last year. Until then, what are some of your picks for the worst of 2022? Feel free to comment below and let me know.

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