A better title would’ve been Derp! Derp! Derp-dee-derp! Derp-a-derp-a-derp-dee-derp: Fuck it!

Cast of Characters:
Finley “Fin” Shepard – Ian Ziering
Nova Clarke – Cassie Scerbo
May Wexler – Bo Derek
Martin Brody – Mark McGrath
Lucas Stevens – Frankie Munez
Claudia Shepard – Ryan Newman
President of the United States – Mark Cuban
Billy – Jack Griffo
Gilbert “Gil” Shepard – David Hasselhoff
April Wexler-Shepard – Tara Reid

Director – Anthony C. Ferrante
Screenplay – Thunder Levin
Producer – David Michael Latt
Not Rated

Following the events of Sharknado 2, Fin Shepard (Ian Ziering) and his former ex-wife April Wexler (Tara Reid) have remarried and are expecting another child. While Fin is in D.C. to receive an award from the president (Mark Cuban) for the heroic deeds he performed in L.A. and New York, another sharknado strikes, destroying the nation’s capital.

And do any of the moderate, non-violent, peaceful sharks come out and condemn these attacks? Hell no!

Deeply concerned that another sharknado attack is heading straight for his wife, daughter Claudia (Ryan Newman) and mother-in-law May (Bo Derek) who are all at Universal Studios, Orlando, Fin heads for Florida. On his way down, he reunites with Sharknado hot chick Nova Clarke (Cassie Scerbo) – thereby making, as Darth Vader would say, the circle complete – and her fighting partner Lucas (Frankie Munez). Together, they brave the trek down to the Sunshine State in order to rescue Fin’s loved ones before numerous sharknado storms combine to create a massive…

Sharkicane.

‘Cause at this point, sure… go for it.

Yes! That’s right, everybody. Curly-haired/mullet guy from 90210 and the whole gang is back for more shark-slinging tornado fun. Even the hot chick from Sharknado – yes, one of the pivotal thirds that make up the hallowed Syfy Casting Trinity – pops back up to help Fin, or maybe just to get as far away as she can from Fin’s horny, oh-so-hot-for-her son. We can all thank Twitter and the number of fans that blew it the hell up during Sharknado 2 for allowing Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! to grace us with its presence.

Once again, thank you, Twitter.

And thanks to the Give Yourself Goosebumps ripoff ending that had its fate decided by a hashtag contest, we were able to get a Sharknado 4, which then led to a Sharknado 5, which will soon lead to the upcoming Sharknado 6.

They say the sixth one will be the final one, but who are we kidding? Somebody just shoot me around Sharknado 7: Fuck It – We Lied! or Sharknado 8: Phhhhpbtpbtpbtpbtpbtpbt… phhht… pbtpbtpbt… toot… poopy poopy pee-pee poop… phhhhpbt!!!!!!!!

So where do you go with Sharknado 3? Sharknado 2 upped the ante with every C-list celebrity cameo and their brother, so now Syfy’s gotta up the ante even higher by throwing in as many Z-list “celebrity cameos” as they can. Last I checked, however, cameos usually carry enough recognition to not crash imdb.com from the ginormous amount of viewers checking the movie’s page to find out who the hell Harvey Levin is.

Wow! That was Chris Kirkpatrick as the lifeguard?! I guess asking customers if they’d like fries with that post-‘N Sync gets a little boring after a while.

Guess who else shows up?

  • George R.R. Martin: This would’ve explained the hold-up, Game of Thrones fans.
  • Steve Guttenberg: ‘Cause people finally got smart after seven crappy Police Academy movies.
  • Chad Johnson: ‘Cause Ray Rice wasn’t available.
  • Former U.S. Representative Anthony Weiner: All those blackmail dick picks are now coming home to roost… Oh, wait – my bad. Those were actually headshots he sent to Asylum producer David Michael Latt.

Unfortunately, Jared Fogle was unable to get the memo about this film ’cause he was insanely busy with his online research. By that, I mean looking up naked kid pics.

Sharknado 9: To Catch a Predator.

Obviously, films like Sharknado are kinda critic proof. Me complaining about its utter stupidity would be like me complaining about my Banquet TV dinner not being healthy enough. I mean, for God’s sake, they’re trying to pull off David Hasselhoff as a legitimate astronaut. Just how seriously can anyone possibly take this film?

Remember that video his daughter took of him drunk off his ass slobbering over a mangled hamburger? Forget him being behind the wheel of a car. For the love of God, this man is at the helm of a space shuttle.

That said, this film ends up being a failure anyway, even more so than the first two… if you can believe it. Let those that dissent say this film means to be bad. I get that, but self-aware intent doesn’t automatically guarantee schlock success, and the problem here is, as odd as it sounds, it’s not crazy enough. Every opportunity it has to really go bat-shit crazy is never capitalized upon. In particular, there is a scene with Frankie Munez where he gets all his limbs bitten off while trying to run to safety. That moment could’ve been a nice off-the-wall bonkers moment similar to Monty Python and the Holy Grail’s iconic “Tis but a scratch… just a flesh wound!” scene, but it’s played out far too seriously.

Though not as seriously as an awkwardly “sentimental” moment between Matt Lauer, Al Roker and the rest of The Today Show crew saying their goodbyes to each other as if they’re the Titanic band going down with the ship while “Nearer, My God, to Thee” plays in the background.

So yeah, a film that has Mark Cuban, Ann Coulter and Ian Ziering spearing a shark with a flagpole Iwo Jima style is not crazy enough.

Either be crazy or try to be – I can’t believe I’m saying this – intense and dramatic as Jaws  or Jurassic Park, but when will this damn franchise learn it fails every fucking time it tries to have its proverbial cake and eat it too?

Look, it all boils down to this – Sharknado 3 is as fun as listening to an economics thesis by Steven Wright. I can’t believe I spent even just one paragraph of critique on this film. Yeah, I know. I know… I know. I’m “missing the point” here. Sure. Fine. Whatever. Maybe it’s just me, but somewhere around the halfway point, by the time you’ve seen the fifty millionth shark fall on another dumb victim in carbon copy similar fashion, you just start to get bored. And not even watching Bo Derek and Tara Reid compete over who can out-stiff act the other or just blink first is able to make up for the laziness on display here.

But, then again, it’s easy to get bored when this is essentially two hours of pushing product placement.

Yep… product placement. Product placement, Woody… Product placement everywhere!

At the very least, this is what I took away from this film:

  • Zombies are worse than sharknados.
  • Fin’s developed a keen sense for oncoming sharknado attacks. I wonder if they smell anywhere near as pungent as this film?
  • Now that he’s elected U.S. President, I bet you more than anything Mark Cuban’s auditing the hell out of David Stern for all the fines he had levied on him.
  • With all the Botox between the two of them, Bo Derek and Tara Reid combined could maybe eke out half an expression.
  • Crashing a plane causes pilots to be stripped down to their bra and panties… Don’t argue with physics!
  • I won’t give away the final scene, but I think it might give the whole water birthing fad a run for its money.

Judgment: Not surprisingly, and sadly so, more effort probably went toward naming Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! than the actual film itself. I understand these films aren’t meant to be Jaws, but when this slaphazard exercise in half-assed filmmaking makes the previous two films look like the aforementioned classic, that’s a big glaring red flag. The first film may have benefited from the “WTF?!” factor, but two sequels later, the novelty’s gotten its ass kicked by the law of diminishing returns.

Sentence: Fasten your seatbelt, Major Tom. You and Commander Hasselhoff are about to blast off to the moon. I’d fasten it extra tight too ’cause the Hoff’s already blasted off good and hard on those pilfered fifths of Grey Goose and Hen Dawg he had stuffed down inside his space suit.

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