What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Enlightenment, my ass! The Hare Krishna mantra is a sixteen word penis joke. Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake and Academy Award winner Ben Kinglsey star in The Love Guru.

The Love GuruCast of Characters:
Guru Pitka – Mike Myers
Jane Bullard – Jessica Alba
Jacques “Le Coq” Grande – Justin Timberlake
Darren Roanoke – Romany Malco
Prudence Roanoke – Meagan Good
Coach Punch Cherkov – Verne Troyer
Guru Tugginmypudha – Ben Kingsley

Director – Marco Schnabel
Screenplay – Mike Myers & Graham Gordy
Producer – Michael De Luca & Mike Myers
Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content throughout, language, some comic violence and drug references

Maurice Pitka (Mike Myers) is an American boy who’s raised in an Indian ashram along with his friend Deepak Chopra. Together, they are taught by Guru Tugginmypudha (Ben Kingsley).

Yep… If you can believe it, it gets worse. Worse as in Tugginmypudha fighting with piss-soaked mops.

Now grown up, Guru Pitka and Chopra come to America, where Chopra becomes a major celebrity and Pitka is relegated to #2 Guru in the world. That’s until Jane Bullard (Jessica Alba), the beautiful new owner of the Toronto Maple Leafs, asks for his help in reconciling her star player Darren Roanoke (Romany Malco) with his wife Prudence (Meagan Good). Mrs. Roanoke’s left her hubby high-and-dry for Los Angeles Kings stud Jacques “Le Coq” Grande (Justin Timberlake).

Hahahaha! Yeah, ’cause his dick is huge and it hits the ground with a sledge hammer like thud. The effort put into this script is astounding.

The timing of Darren and Prudence’s split couldn’t have come at a more inconvenient time with the Stanley Cup Playoffs beginning. But so help him Shiva, Guru Pitka will muster all of his strength to reunite these two lovebirds.

If anything, just to appease the massive boner he’s got for Jane.

If you’re wondering why it feels like forever since we last saw Mike Myers in a film, you can blame The Love Guru.

By 2008, Myers had three successful franchises under his belt: Wayne’s World, Shrek and Austin Powers. Wayne’s World made him a star, Shrek broadened his appeal to kids and though Austin Powers is an overrated, redundant trilogy that didn’t do much for me, it’s still a masterpiece compared to this infantile garbage. The Love Guru not only brought his career to a halt, it collided head-on into a brick wall at full, low-brow, gutter humored speed.

This isn’t just the type of film that kills careers. It’s the type of film that moves critics to forsake movies altogether, and self-respecting moviegoers to commit mass seppuku.

Myers is fully capable of producing jokes that are smart, witty and hysterically absurd (e.g., the product placement bit in Wayne’s World), but the shit he’s trying to pass off here as jokes is beyond sad, taking lowest common denominator to all new pathetic lows. I’m convinced not a single draft of any script was made throughout the making of The Love Guru. My guess is Myers sought inspiration through the unforgivably nasty graffiti etched all across the slimy stalls of a truck stop restroom. That would explain why every gag in this piece of shit is either a dick or poop joke.

Oh, and two humping elephants. You gotta have two humping elephants, especially when they’re the cleverest gag in this film. Well, isn’t that just sad.

C’mon, you didn’t actually think it was Timberlake’s floor-thumping dick bit, did you?

Knowing that scatological humor – okay, no, a movie this stupid hasn’t earned the right to have big words used in its review. Knowing that poopies and wieners can only take a movie so far, Myers and director Marco Schnabel stretch and stretch and pad the hell out of this movie by cramming in three full-length musical numbers. You know, ’cause what the world’s been missing all this time were sitar versions of Dolly Parton’s “9 to 5”, Extreme’s “More Than Words” (a song that’s annoying enough in its original form) and Steve Miller’s “The Joker”. What will surely surprise you is that even with all that additional padding, this film still clocks in at only 87 minutes.

Why does it feel like four hours then? Well, ’cause it sucks.

That’s quite surprising coming from a man who took a 5-minute sketch show skit and helped spawn it off into two great comedies, a difficult feat knowing the track record of not just comedy sequels, but SNL’s track record of translating skits into movies (other than The Blues Brothers and Wayne’s World, I can’t think of any other property of theirs that can actually be considered just even good, much less great).

Even more surprising, and the most damning of all this film’s errs, is just how unlikable Myers is from beginning to end. Maybe he’s so degradingly bad here ’cause he wanted Justin Timberlake, here a literal walking/talking dick joke, and eye candy Jessica Alba, who has yet to receive a shitty film offer she doesn’t like, to look good. Whether that’s the reason or not, it’s quite disheartening to see Myers playing a character that unintentionally winds up being a detestably obnoxious ass-hat, especially when he’s made a career out of being everything this meditating dick-bag isn’t. Wayne Campbell’s such a likable everyman; Shrek is one of the most endearing animated characters of the past 20 years; and even though I think Austin Powers is only okay at best, the character still has far more charm than Guru Pitka.

Also, what makes absolutely no sense is how everyone acts like Pitka is this amazing genius, yet he never once gives off the slightest impression that he is. Maybe if that fact was handled with a touch of irony, it could possibly be forgiven, but that’s not the case here. He’s simply a fucking moron whose self-help teachings boil down to sexually obvious acronyms, Pitka constantly sexually harassing Miss Bullard (okay, who are we kidding, I too would sexually harass Jessica Alba if given the chance) and an unfunny Mariska Hargitay reference. Here it’s used as a “Namaste” greeting that loses any oblivious wit it could’ve had by having Mariska Hargitay appear as herself. That tells you the characters clearly acknowledge who she is, so what exactly is the point of the reference, one they keep doing long after her appearance has come and gone?

The Love Guru subjects all its moviegoing victims with humor that depends solely on juvenile dick jokes, more dick jokes, even more dick jokes, dick jokes on top of those dick jokes, two humping elephants and the normally charming Mike Myers playing one of the most gratingly unlikable lead characters in the history of film. There’s bad comedies and then there’s depressing comedies. This career-killer kicks it down a couple notches, down into the horrifying pits of comedies like It’s Pat, Freddie Got Fingered, Norbit and anything by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Selzter that are flat-out evil.

God help me, this movie is not only an insult to intelligence, it’s an insult to idiocy.

One thought on “What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

  1. Awesome review, just the fact that he tried to make a movie out of the boring skit
    Linda Richman ( coffee time ) was that her name ? Show’s his creativity was shot.
    T. M .

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