So this is the most anticipated Western everyone was waiting for this winter. Adam Sandler, Terry Crews, Taylor Lautner, Rob Schneider and Academy Award nominee Nick Nolte star in The Ridiculous 6.
Cast of Characters:
Tommy “White Knife” Stockburn – Adam Sandler
Chico – Terry Crews
Herm – Jorge Garcia
Lil’ Pete – Taylor Lautner
Ramon – Rob Schneider
Danny – Luke Wilson
Will Patch – Will Forte
Clem – Steve Zahn
Smiley Harris – Harvey Keitel
Frank Stockburn – Nick Nolte
Doc Griffin – Steve Buscemi
Susannah – Whitney Cummings
Ezekiel Grant – Jon Lovitz
Gen. Custer – David Spade
Cicero – Danny Trejo
Nelly Patch – Nick Swardson
Wyatt Earp – Blake Shelton
Mark Twain – Vanilla Ice
Smoking Fox – Julia Jones
Gus Patch – Lavell Crawford
Nugget Customer – Norm Macdonald
Abraham Lincoln – Dan Patrick
Screaming Eagle – Saginaw Grant
Director – Frank Coraci
Screenplay – Tim Herlihy & Adam Sandler
Producer – Allen Covert & Adam Sandler
Back in the Old West, a man by the name of Tommy Stockburn (Adam Sandler) has been raised by Indians ever since his mother was murdered by a tattooed, silhouetted man, and given the “White Knife”, due to his skill in handling knives.
And, folks, that’s about as clever as this film is gonna get.
Just shy of his upcoming marriage to Smoking Fox (Julia Jones), a mysterious man, Frank (Nick Nolte), comes by his Native village claiming to be Tommy’s biological father. Frank tells Tommy that he’s dying of consumption, but has amassed $50,000, buried in a meadow, of which he offers to Tommy and his fellow Natives. However, the next day, Frank’s past comes back to bite him when former connections, led by Cicero (Danny Trejo), come looking for his “big score”. In return for leaving Tommy and his adoptive family alone, Frank gives himself up to be kidnapped by them so he can lead them to the money.
Haunted by what happened to his mother and determined to not let the same happen to his father, Tommy sets out to regain his father, and along the way, discovers he has 5 half-brothers from various flings – the Mexican Ramon (Rob Schneider), the feral Herm (Jorge Garcia), the drunk Danny (Luke Wilson), the black man Chico (Terry Crews) and the retard Lil’ Pete (Taylor Lautner). Together, they form the Ridiculous 6 and set out to rescue their dad.
I can’t believe I wasted that many words on a synopsis for you guys when “Adam Sandler… derp-derp-a-derp-de-derp… poop and boobies and farts and Indians and pee-pees” would’ve sufficed.
Why am I reviewing this? Maybe I’m a masochist? I had no idea I was until I found myself trying to force my way through this two hour film like an eyes pried wide open Alex DeLarge in A Clockwork Orange.
This film is two-hours long… Two whole fucking hours!!!!
Another reason could be that I’m performing a public service for you all out of the goodness of my heart. Don’t see this movie. For the love of God, do not see this movie.
Adam Sandler movies, which have become their own genre, are essentially critic proof. It doesn’t matter what I say; they’re still gonna make an inexplicably large amount of money, and Sandler and all his juvenile pals are gonna laugh their way to the bank ’cause they’ve played us all like fools. It’s like they don’t even have to try, and at this point they clearly aren’t. There’s a steaming bowel movement that I dropped into the toilet a couple hours ago that has more effort and care put into it than any of the so-called “jokes” Sandler and Co. think are so incredibly funny here.
See what I did there? I threw in a poop joke ’cause if they’re gonna phone-in an entire movie, I figure I’m just gonna phone-in my entire review.
There’s no rhyme or reason to any of the film’s humor. Even the laziest of spoofs have twice the amount of coherence as this film, which is just a predictable barrage of anything goes, low-brow jokes. It’s like Sandler and his co-writing partner in crime Tim Herlihy had a dartboard with “poop”, “dick”, “boobs”, “fart”, “retard” and “lazy-ass ethnic joke” listed on it, and then they took turns throwing darts at it to decide what bull shit gag they’re gonna put in their bull shit script next. As a spoof of the Western (the title is a play on both The Magnificent Seven and this Christmas’s The Hateful Eight), it makes no effort to riff on the genre, and every single over-extended gag that stretches on for eternity (such as an unconnected “invention of baseball” setpiece that comes out of nowhere and goes on and on and on and on and on…) has no bearing whatsoever on the story. They’re in the film ’cause the Happy Madison boys found it funny and not a single soul on the set was man enough to tell them that a room full of retarded monkeys could do better. The only surprise to be found in this whole film is that they went a whole 25 minutes without a single poop joke.
Damn, boys, you must’ve had the shakes by the 5-minute make.
Of course, once minute 25 hit, they let them fly, both metaphorically and, unfortunately… literally.
This is expected of Sandler and pals Rob Scheider, Nick Swardson and David Spade. What’s sad here is seeing really talented guys like Harvey Keitel, Luke Wilson, Nick Nolte and Steve Buscemi pop up in this trash. Out of all the scripts that got tossed on their desk, how the fuck is it this is the one they say yes to? It’s not like they have trouble finding work. Does Sandler got dick pics of them or something? Even Will Forte, who certainly has his share of turds stinking up his resume, has proven he’s got more range than we originally assumed with his terrific supporting work in Nebraska, and deserves better. Hell, I’ll go as far as to say even Taylor Lautner – who’s stretched-out, annoying retard gag is out-annoyed by Jorge Garcia’s incoherent rambling – deserves better than this.
You know you’re witnessing something truly, honest to God terrible when you find yourself thinking maybe Lautner didn’t have it so bad with the Twilight series.
The most glaring sign that Sandler no longer gives a shit, though, is himself. His performance, a poor man’s Clint Eastwood, is so lazy it makes Bruce Willis look like a model of earnest commitment. Not that he has to care; he’s locked in for three more films on Netflix, so why bother trying?
Can’t wait to see how he tops this.
As entertaining as a full-fisted prostate exam, The Ridiculous 6 is so lazy and painfully unfunny it makes the Seth MacFarlane misfire A Million Ways to Die in the West look like Blazing Saddles. The only reason I can imagine that Netflix would sign on to this is I guess ’cause they felt guilty about hitting it out the park with their TV shows as of late, so turning in a bomb this devastatingly shitty would help bring balance to their force. Even by Happy Madison standards, The Ridiculous 6 is ridiculously low. It isn’t just an unfunny movie; it’s a crime against humanity.
I give The Ridiculous 6 an F (0 stars).
REVIEWS COMING LATER NEXT WEEK…
12/21/15 What the Hell Were They Thinking?!
12/22/15 Benjamin’s Stash
12/24/15 The Big Short
12/24/15 Daddy’s Home
12/25/15 Point Break
12/26/15 The Hateful Eight