What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Even the animatronic gopher doesn’t come out of this unscathed. Jackie Mason, Dyan Cannon, Jonathan Silverman and Academy Award nominee Robert Stack star in Caddyshack II.

Caddyshack IICast of Characters:
Jack Hartounian – Jackie Mason
Chandler Young – Robert Stack
Elizabeth Pearce – Dyan Cannon
Cynthia Young – Dina Merrill
Harry – Jonathan Silverman
Todd Young – Brian McNamara
Royette Tyler – Marsha Warfield
Mr. Jamison – Paul Bartel
Kate Hartounian – Jessica Lundy
Peter Blunt – Randy Quaid
Ty Webb – Chevy Chase
Capt. Tom Everett – Dan Aykroyd

Director – Allan Arkush
Screenplay – Harold Ramis & Peter Torokvei
Producer – Neil Canton, Jon Peters & Peter Guber
Rated PG

Tonight, at Bushwood Country Club, an unforgiving event has occurred that defies all explanation. What was once hailed as a comedy classic has been taken a bizarre turn for the worse as now a Jewish/Armenian self-made millionaire named Jack Hartounian (Jackie Mason) retaliates against the rejection from the club’s elitist snobs by buying the club and turning it into an uber-tacky amusement park.

Experts seem to have no idea who caused such a travesty or why they caused it, only that there appears to be no sign of intelligence. This disgusting, macabre display would take its toll on one local boy from Kalamazoo, MI, a tragedy so harrowing it begs the question: What could’ve been the motive behind such a terrible film?

I’m Robert Stack… Join me… Perhaps you may be able to help… solve a mystery.

Cue Unsolved Mysteries theme.

Is it possible that a movie could be so bad it could kill those that watch it? That’s the question behind tonight’s mystery which begins at the Family Video rental store near the corner of Nazareth and Gull Road in the town of Kalamazoo, MI. What was meant to be a fun get-together between friends Benjamin Marlatt and Damon Loftis would soon unravel into sheer terror.

“Ben and I were hanging out one night, looking to order some pizza, maybe rent a couple movies. Uh – I remember we were debating between getting Jean-Luc Godard’s Avant-Garde, postmodern masterpiece Pierrot le fou or Smokey and the Bandit Part 3, and that’s when Ben stumbled upon Caddyshack II. Neither of us saw it, but we figured the first one’s one of the greatest comedies of all-time, so this one’s gotta be good too… We didn’t think much of it, even with the checkout girl snickering something about Hartounian’s stupid laser grid golf club… Neither of us… (choking up)… Neither of us expected the night to turn out the way it did.”

Little did they know that their nightmare would begin with just a simple push of the play button. Sometime around 9:30 that evening, 911 dispatcher Debbie Johnson received a disturbing call that would send chills down her spine.

“It was just another day on the job for me. You know, in my line of work, you really have to mentally train yourself to handle some truly unsettling incidents – domestic violence, home intruders, reported murders… When I received Mr. Loftis’s call, I didn’t know what to make of it. I thought it was a prank. I just got done talking down some lady ranting about McDonald’s running out of chicken nuggets, so it’s not out of the ordinary for me to get a ridiculous call. That, and who the hell really rents Caddyshack II? I mean, you have any idea how shitty of a movie you are when you have to bring in Industrial Light & Magic just to recreate golf scenes? It was his voice, though… I could tell from just how horrified he sounded that this was no joke.”

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“I need an ambulance quick! My friend is having some sorta seizure attack!”

“Okay, where are you at?”

“We’re at his place at 806 Dayton. It’s uh – uh – on the corner of Dearborn and Day – oh my God! He’s foaming at the mouth!!”

“Okay, sir, just try and relax. We’re sending someone out now. Can you stay on the phone with me?”

“Oh my God! He’s not responding to me at all!!!!”

“Okay, just take a deep breath. Everything’s gonna be alright. Can you explain to me what happened?”

“We were watching Caddyshack II, and all a sudden he just started spazzing out.”

“At what point in the movie did the spasms start occurring?”

“Uh – he – uh – he started hyperventilating around the time Randy Quaid went off on some goofy rant where he’s barking like a dog, and it just got worse and worse once the horses started farting in people’s faces. I tried to stop the film when Dollar Store Rodney Dangerfield Jackie Mason turned the golf course into a dopey carnival, but I think the remote’s batteries are dead – wait! He’s got some extras here… Agh! He’s got AA instead AAA… and they’re the store brand version too! Are you fucking kidding me?!! Cheap-ass bastard won’t put up the extra buck for Energizer or Duracell?!!”

“Okay, sir… sir, what’s your name?”

“Damon.”

“Ooh – Damon. That’s a pretty name…”

“What am I, five fucking years old, lady?! My friend’s dying here!!!!”

“I know, and help’s on the way, but I really need you to stay calm. Have you tried just shutting the television off?”

“… Oh.”

By the time the paramedics arrived at the scene, the worst had yet to come for first responder Steve Cooper and his crew.

“We got the call, and arrived at the scene. I figured seizure attacks, we’ve handled them many times before, so no problem, but once we heard ‘Nobody’s Fool’ by Kenny Loggins coming from the TV, we knew this was gonna take all we got. Damon took us right to his friend Benjamin and honestly nothing could’ve prepared us for what we saw that night… He was curled up in a fetal position over in the corner of the living room, shaking uncontrollably. Judging from the urine stains, it was very evident this episode caused him to lose all control of his bodily fluids. He was also muttering something repeatedly. As unintelligible as it sounded, it was difficult for us to make out exactly what he was saying, but it sounded like he was chanting Rodney Dangerfield one-liners, followed by ‘Be the ball. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.'”

For Steve and his crew, even more unsettling than the sight of a man mentally deteriorating before their very eyes was the unexplained series of numeric symbols scratched all over the wall behind Benjamin. Upon further examination by a local cryptologist, it was soon revealed that these numbers formed possible gargantuan contract figures Chevy Chase had to have accepted in order to appear in such a train wreck.

Unfortunately, Benjamin Marlatt died later that night, surrounded by his family, Damon and the assistant manager of Family Video who gave them a coupon for “Free candy and popcorn gift bag with the purchase of two new release rentals” as an offering of condolences. Sources say after the pain medication used in comforting him over what he referred to as the “excruciating stiffness of Jackie Mason’s delivery” wore off, he finally felt at peace. His final words were a brief jab at how Ted Knight would be rolling in his grave, followed by how the dynamic cast chemistry alone was sufficient enough to make the first film a classic. To this day, the events surrounding his death remain a mystery, but what is undeniably certain in the minds of everyone that witnessed it, it’s a night they’ll never forget for as long as they live.

“I stepped down as a paramedic after that night… I mean, you just can’t go back from that. It’s impossible… I know that in my profession you are accustomed to dealing with situations that are hard to watch, and oftentimes heartbreaking… this though… this left me shaken… And you’d think those two would’ve known better. That’s the real killer there. Hell, just Dan Aykroyd’s shrill, full-retard impression is enough for me to say no thanks. But then you add on top of that the plot and character rehashes, as well as the PG-handicapped script and it somehow manages to become worse than it already is… Plus, Jonathan Silverman’s in it. Have they not seen those Weekend at Bernie’s movies or whatever the hell that seventh Beethoven movie’s called? How much more of a hint did these two idiots need?”

Next week on an all new Unsolved Mysteries – once an endearing pillar of the comedy genre, Chevy Chase’s career was last seen around Christmas of 1989, but has since vanished into thin air. Where could it have gone? For every mystery, there is someone, somewhere, who knows the truth… Perhaps that someone is watching… Perhaps… it’s you. If you have any information on this case, contact us at Unsolved Mysteries. You need not give your name… Call 1-800-876… 53… 53.

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