What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Everything we once thought to be true about the Titanic turned out to be a lie. Greg Snegoff, Francis Pardeilhan and Jane Alexander lend their voices to The Legend of Titanic.

The Legend of TitanicCast of Characters:
Everard Maltravers – voiced by Greg Snegoff
Don Juan – voiced by Francis Pardeilhan
Elizabeth Camden – voiced by Jane Alexander
Ronnie – voiced by Anna Mazzotti
Top Connors – voiced by Sean Patrick Lovett
Rachel Camden – Teresa Pascarelli

Director – Kim J. Ok. & Orlando Corradi
Screenplay – Celelia Castaldo & Loris Peota
Producer – International TV Broadcasting (ITB) & Hollywood Gang Productions
Not Rated

In modern-day New York City, an old mouse named Top Connors (voiced by Sean Patrick Lovett) tells his grandchildren of his experience decades ago on the RMS Titanic.

Good Lord, Disney throws a couple cute talking mice into Cinderella and now every other damn animator wants to toss ’em in their animated historical tragedy.

Back in April 1912, Top Connors is a young sailor on what I’m guessing is the rodent division of the Titanic. Meanwhile, a rich aristocratic woman named Elizabeth Camden (voiced by Jane Alexander) and her family aboard the ship. Her father, the Duke of Camden (voiced by Nick Alexander), and stepmother have arranged for her to marry prominent whaling tycoon Everard Maltravers (voiced by Greg Snegoff), who’s quite evil and sinister ’cause he’s got an eyepatch and those assholes just can’t be trusted. Unbeknownst to the Duke, the marriage is a scheme devised by his wife and Maltravers to gain whaling rights for themselves.

Will this damn ship just sink already?

Anyway, unhappy about the marriage, Elizabeth cries over the deck of the boat (’cause Rose DeWitt Bukater attempted suicide is a bit much for a cartoon) and her tears hitting the Atlantic somehow grant her the ability to talk to magic flying dolphins.

More like someone spiked her champagne.

There’s still hope for Elizabeth, however, when she meets a gypsy named Don Juan (voiced by Francis Pardeilhan). They fall in love and then the ship hits an iceberg and finally sinks. The end.

About time – wait… what the hell? Is that a giant, happy, childlike octopus saving all of the passengers of the Titanic?

… Wow…

Before we continue on, greatness needs to be recognized first. We’ve seen many two-time “What the Hell Were They Thinking?!” champions here (Steven Seagal, Michael Caine, Robert Z’Dar, Tara Reid, Casper Van Dien, Udo Kier) and one three-time champion (John Rhys-Davies). But we’ve never had a back-to-back champion.

Until now.

Greg Snegoff (Titanic: The Legend Goes On, The Legend of Titanic): Ladies and gentlemen, right now, we’re are privileged witnesses to a dynasty in the making.

Heroes get remembered… Legends never die.

Meanwhile, over in the Filmmakers League, five-time consecutive champion Uwe Boll and nine-time champion David Michael Latt respond in unison, “Pssh – bitch, please!”

Seriously, though, they actually made another Titanic cartoon? Surprisingly, I’m not referring to this film. I’m referring to last week’s Titanic: The Legend Goes On, which came out a year after this, and, if you can believe it, is a lot more tasteful than this film.

And that one had a rapping dog.

This one, though, opens up with “New York, New York” and some happy Randy Newman intro…

Dis is a stor-a-ry aboooout twoooo friends
One big boat and an iceberg ’til theeee end – zip-a-dee-bop-a-doo!!
Come down Tity-tanic to the bottom of the big blue-a sea
Yeah, yoooooou g-e-ot a frieeeend in meeee!!

“Well, howdy-ho, Mr. Big Boat! What’s your name?”

“Toot-toot! My name’s Titanic. What’s yours?!”

“I’m Frosty the Iceberg! You wanna play?”

“Oh, boy! You bet I do!!”

“Woo-hoo! How ’bout a game of freeze tag? Then I can introduce you to all the happy sea creatures of the Magic Sea Kingdom!”

“Gee-whiz! That sounds like fun – ouch! You just struck my starboard side!”

“Tag! You’re it!”

“This is so much fun! What happens now, Frosty?”

“Well, now your compartments will start filling in with water at a rapidly increasing rate. Five of your compartments are gonna be flooded and since you’re only equipped to handle up to four, you’re gonna sink bow-first into the frigid waters of the Atlantic. There, me and all the happy sea creature friends of the Magic Sea Kingdom will be waiting for you, and we’ll be able to laugh and play games together forever and ever!”

“Wow! That sounds super neato! Can all my passenger friends come with me?”

“Well, Titanic, unfortunately no, they can’t. Many of them will be dragged to the bottom of the sea where the lack of oxygen will ’cause them to suffocate or the sheer unrelenting force of the ocean depth’s pressure will surely crush them like a bug. For those that manage to stay afloat, if the cardiac arrest doesn’t kill ’em off, I betcha the cold, unforgiving bitch that is hypothermia will.”

“Good golly Miss Molly! What’s hypothermia?!”

“I don’t know… but I sure as heck don’t wanna be around to find out what it’s like on the receiving end!!!!”

“Ohhhh, Frosty! You’re my best friend!”

Okay, hold on. This isn’t working. Can’t we get something a little more depressing? This is the Titanic after all. Isn’t Alan Jackson available to write another “world stops turning” song?

Where were you when her propellers stopped turning on that April night…

Anyway, following the intro, we learn the real truth of what actually happened with the legendary RMS Titanic. Everything they taught us in schools, documentaries, Discovery Channel specials, James Cameron’s ego trips and Wikipedia has been a lie, and Jesse Ventura mentor Top Connors tells his sweet and innocent mice grandchildren the real story of what went down that fateful night, April 15, 1912.

He would later go on to tell them that the Holocaust’s a sham, Stanley Kubrick faked the lunar landing, 9/11’s an inside job and God is a delusion.

Yeah, this movie gets pretty heavy for a cartoon.

So what really did happen with the Titanic?

Well, turns out that below the Jack Dawson types, aka Britain’s trailer trash, there was a separate crew run by adorable talking, civil rights loving mice. Top Connor’s friend Ronnie is absolutely smitten by Elizabeth’s beauty, and when Connors reminds him that she’s a female human and he is a disease-infested mouse, Ronnie retorts by telling him, “If there’s one thing I’m not, it’s a racist.”

So you can now use the race card for bestiality?

Look, I’m thrilled that after nearly half a century, Martin Luther King, Jr. didn’t die in vain thanks to mice like Ronnie, but this is a slippery slope. Next thing you know, I’m gonna end up in sensitivity training for making fun of the creepy coworker that likes to let his dog lick peanut butter off his balls and one night, after having one too many, it led to something a little more… forbidden.

While out at sea, Elizabeth meets Don Juan. They dance to an audience of happy critters, and then fall in love while theme music that sounds like a cheap knockoff of theme music from a certain other boat-sinking movie that may or may not have grossed over a billion at the box office and won eleven Oscars plays in the background. Who are we kidding? The complete second act is such a ripoff of 1997’s Titanic you actually start to think the animators are gonna have the balls in letting Elizabeth drop trow and go full-Kate Winslet on us. As much cartoon cleavage as she shows, it wouldn’t be that shocking.

So while Elizabeth and Don Juan are probably steaming up the windows to someone’s car, Maltravers and Elizabeth’s stepmother are concocting the plan to sink the ship. Yes! That’s right. We’ve been duped all along. Titanic was an inside job. Reputable sources have confirmed the step by step process that took place…

  • With his plan to marry Elizabeth in order to gain prime whaling rights foiled, Maltravers plans to sink the ship. Sure, it could mean him drowning out at sea with the thousand plus others that did, but no one said criminals were geniuses.
  • Maltravers sends his bumbling assistant Geoffreys to signal the call for help.
  • The signal is made with a magic whistle that notifies Brooklyn accented shark Mr. Ice and his gang.
  • … Uh…
  • Mr. Ice and his gang trick a sweet and innocent giant octopus, who apparently has a dog face, named Tentacles into tossing an iceberg directly in the path of the ship by making him think it’s a game.
  • … What… the… hell?

There you have it, folks. The truth and nothing but the truth. Titanic sank ’cause a manipulated friendly octopus threw an iceberg at it.

It’s a startling revelation that has rocked the world into a state of shock almost as much as when reports surfaced that 9/11 occurred at the hands of a well-meaning Down’s syndrome alpaca who chucked the planes into the World Trade Center ’cause a gang of Jersey Shore short-haired dachshunds tricked him into thinking they were toy paper airplanes.

Just when you think the story’s heading for the obligatory sad ending – you know, the one we’ve been ignorantly believing all this time – hope springs eternal when Tentacles uses all his strength to hold the split in two ship together long enough for all of the passengers to make it safely on the lifeboats (not making this up). At the last second, he’s able to go Forrest Gump on the captain by saving him from a watery grave and plopping him on a magic whale (once again, this isn’t made up) instead of letting him fulfill his destiny of dying with honors. Meanwhile, Top Connors and Ronnie’s friend Camembert, sacrificially electrocutes himself by tying his mustache whiskers to the severed telegraph wires so that the crew can send out a distress signal (NOT MAKING THIS UP). After saving everyone aboard the ill-fated boat, Tentacles and Camembert go down with the ship and drown at the bottom of the sea.

Even though octopuses are sea-dwelling creatures (seriously, it’s all on YouTube).

Nope, looks like we’re wrong again. At the wedding of Elizabeth and Don Juan, everyone is elated to know that Tentacles is alive and well, and he and all the happy dolphins and whales greet the wedding crowd. Even Camembert’s alive! Well, praise the Lord! It doesn’t seem even miraculously possible that he could survive that much electrical current ripping through his body with such deadly force, only to have drowning in the Atlantic be the sure-fire nail in the coffin. But at this point, who the hell cares?

It’s such a sugary sweet happy ending, even Patchy McGee shows up amongst them all and declares, “Wait, everyone! I’ve learned something too! I’ve learned that you can have all the money… fame and fortune… whaling rights… You can have it all… but it can never buy you true happiness… and most importantly… love… the greatest gift of all.”

Cue tears of joy from everyone.

Just kidding. He got stranded out in the Atlantic on a small boat.

Now you know the true story, and not all that fabricated bull shit which was probably being spun by all those Jews running Hollywood. Only 1,500 casualties, though? If you’re gonna manipulate the numbers, at least go big like the Holocaust.

I’ve seen too many films to count, and there’s been plenty of crazy and bizarre ones, both intentional and not, along the way. It may not be the ultimate worst film of all-time, but I challenge any film before or after The Legend of Titanic to try and out-what the fuck?! this movie. I guess you can at least say the creators behind this can’t be faulted for a lack of – er, for lack of a better word – imagination, be it through true impassioned creativity, a psychotic breakdown or a trippin’ balls drug-fueled ride through Ringo Starr’s “Octopus’s Garden”.

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