What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Oh, silly Asylum, you and your unhealthy obsession with sharks. Carmen Electra, Charlie O’Connell and Brooke Hogan star in 2-Headed Shark Attack.

2 Headed Shark AttackCast of Characters:
Anne Babish – Carmen Electra
Professor Franklin Babish – Charlie O’Connell
Kate – Brooke Hogan
Dana – Christina Bach Norman
Paul – David Gallegos
Cole – Geoff Ward

Director – Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray
Screenplay – Edward DeRuiter & H. Perry Horton
Producer – David Michael Latt
Rated R for scenes of creature violence, nudity and some language

Professor Franklin Babish (Charlie O’Connell) and his wife Anne (Carmen Electra) lead a semester at sea aboard the Sea King. While out at sea, the ship hits a dead shark which damages the hull, leaving everyone stranded. That becomes the least of their worries, though, when they find themselves in the center of a shark attack.

A 2-Headed Shark Attack.

My clever wit just knows no bounds.

With lines of communication damaged and only a deserted island to seek shelter upon, everyone must band together, so we the viewers can watch them get picked off one-by-one by the sharks.

The DVD promised to be in the tradition of Jaws. What they very ingeniously kept hidden from you was that they meant Jaws: The Revenge.

2-Headed Shark Attack is a ridiculously ludicrous idea. Kudos to the filmmakers, though, for getting us all to kinda buy into it as a plausible scenario by passing off Carmen Electra as an even less plausible doctor.

Having their love affair with the great white take on everything from twisters, giant octopuses to mechanical sharks and whatever the hell a crocosaurus is, it’s no surprise that The Asylum would slap an extra head on them at some point. It’s also no surprise that the part CGI/part practical effects shark, despite having no dialogue here at all, is the most charming, intelligent and personality-filled performance in the entire movie.

Everything about 2-Headed Shark Attack looks and sounds like exactly what you’d expect from a group of seventh grade boys smack dab in the middle of puberty. Watch this film and you’ll realize that’s probably based more on fact than just my assumption. No one can put together just two words worth of a decent performance, but at least all the girls have nice hooters. I have more than a hunch that the casting call stated nothing about acting experience and just said, “MUST BE LIKE – LIKE TOTALLY HAWT AND HAVE BIG, BOUNCY BOOBIES!!!!” What other reason is there to explain why Carmen Electra’s playing such thankless role, even for her acting standards?

If this came out when I was around 12-14, I would be raving about this being the greatest movie I ever saw.

I was, however, enlightened by these facts…

1) I was unaware, until seeing this movie, that a shark so large it makes Bruce from Jaws look like a goldfish could hide so easily in shallow water.

2) With girls this easy, I’m surprised the male to female ratio isn’t through the roof in favor of males.

3) Despite never being mentioned on Discovery’s “Shark Week”, sharks are notoriously aggressive cockblockers.

4) Wanting to keep things fresh, the writers felt like shaking it up a bit by killing off anyone that’s black, an asshole or naked.

5) Although I myself always treated them like no big deal, this film taught me that minor scrape wounds are in need of dire medical attention.

6) We should all take a moment now to offer our thoughts and prayers to the families of a group of friends that made a drinking game every time a MacGuffin popped up. They tragically died of excessive liver damage at the 30 minute mark.

7) One girl is at least able to point out that a shark with two heads means twice the teeth. Well, how very astute of her!

8) In order to save the day, characters magically turn into experienced electricians and welders at the snap of a finger, which is quite amusing since I wouldn’t even trust any of these people to change out AA batteries for me.

9) For not knowing a lick of any English, the two crew members of the ship seem to understand it very well.

10) Whatever college this is must have an acceptance rate of 100%. I’d be shocked if these kids could get into night school, let alone college, if they’re dumb enough to think they can use a t-shirt drenched in seawater as a bomb fuse.

There’s really not much to say about the cast, considering how indistinguishable and unintelligent every character is. As mentioned earlier, Carmen Electra’s only in this to scream “Get out of the water!” at the students, and to flaunt her busty chest. Charlie O’Connell’s in this probably ’cause his brother Jerry was too busy attending a Kangaroo Jack meet and greet, while moping over why Rob Reiner won’t call him back with a role offer. Despite appearing to be the lead female protagonist (and a rather bitchy one too), we all know the only reason Brooke Hogan was asked to be in this was ’cause the filmmakers felt the movie was still lacking a strong masculine presence.

All she had to do was belch out “Whatcha gonna do, brother, when Hulkamania runs wild on you?!!!” while pounding on the shark, and you really wouldn’t be able to tell the difference.

In fairness to these simpleminded idiots, motorboats are, in fact, fun. Are they so much fun I’d be able to immediately forget that I’m being hunted down by a 50-foot shark with two heads? Well, I’ve never been put in that situation, so I can’t quite say.

Lastly, in true Syfy/The Asylum fashion, I question whether the editing was done by a child, by a disgruntled crew member pissed off about his shitty pay, or by no one at all. This is clearly evident in repeated footage of Electra, and in scenes that so obviously show the cast waiting for their cues before speaking, screaming, yelling, etc.

Or maybe the characters are really just that stupid.

“Oh, wait. That is a behemoth of a man-eating shark right before my eyes. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-derp-derp-derpy-derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!”

There’s a strong possibility that if, amidst the production turmoil, Steven Spielberg said fuck it while making Jaws, it might’ve turned out exactly like 2-Headed Shark Attack. If dialogue contributed by a middle school English class, CGI constructed by an unemployed X-Box gamer and boobs, boobs and more boobies (the second best performance next to the shark) are right up your alley, you may get a kick out of this. I just highly recommend you are a drunk while you do so, especially since those involved in the making of this were as well.

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