The Other Woman

Who knew the Kingslayer was such a home-wrecking sleaze? Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, Kate Upton and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau star in The Other Woman.

The Other WomanCast of Characters:
Carly Whitten – Cameron Diaz
Kate King – Leslie Mann
Amber – Kate Upton
Mark King – Nikolaj Coster-Waldau
Lydia – Nicki Minaj
Phil – Taylor Kinney
Frank – Don Johnson

Director – Nick Cassavetes
Screenplay – Melissa Stack
Producer – Julie Yorn
Rated PG-13 on appeal for mature thematic material, sexual references and language

Carly Whitten (Cameron Diaz) and Mark King (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) are a couple happily in love. After a “plumbing accident” forces Mark to cancel plans and head back home, Carly decides to give him a surprise visit anyway. That’s where she meets Mark’s wife Kate (Leslie Mann).

Ruh-roh, Shaggy!

Leaving both devastated that the man they thought was theirs has been using them, they end up bonding together. When they find out that Mark has another mistress, blonde bombshell Amber (Kate Upton), they take the gloves off and decide to get revenge.

This Mark King fellow clearly has never watched an episode of The Flintstones. If he had seen the episode where Fred had to be at his daughter Pebbles’s birthday party and a Water Buffalo Lodge party on the same night, he would know it’s close to impossible to handle both.

Ladies and gentlemen, I hereby give you candidate #1 for worst film of the year so far, which is being touted as the next strong, feisty, empowered female revenge flick. It’s actually an unintelligent pile of human defecation that’s as enjoyable as nails slowly running down a chalkboard.

There’s a film test out there that’s known as the Bechdel test. It was designed in the ’80s and proposes three questions for a film:

  • Is there at least two women in it?
  • Do they talk to each other?
  • Is it about something other than a man?

According to the Bechdel test, quite a number of films would fail from the Disney animated classics to last year’s This Is the End. Personally, I could care less. I just want a good film. I’m not the type of guy that sits there griping, “Wow, I just watched Cinderella. Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! That Disney’s a misogynistic pig ’cause she wants to marry a prince! I’m gonna complain on my blog and then write my congressman!” Don’t get me wrong. I love my fair share of films that center around strong female leads. Thelma & Louise, A League of Their Own, Aliens, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Fargo, Bridesmaids, Zero Dark Thirty,The Heat and Frozenare just to name a few, and – hello, speaking of female revenge flicks: Kill Bill, anyone?

The point I’m trying to make is that there will be women (judging from the many that laughed and laughed and laughed for whatever inexplicable reason) who hail this as a “You go nail that chauvinist pig son of a bitch!” empowerment film, when it not only fails Bechdel’s test, it fails an IQ and personality test as well.

Director Nick Cassavetes and writer Melissa Stack have cluttered this film with slapstick moments that never work, a diarrhea scene lifted directly from Dumb and Dumber, overly obvious soundtrack numbers (we get “New York, New York” blasting away to remind us we’re back in New York, even though the scene opens with a shot of the Statue of Liberty), and protagonists that are so stupid, yet conveniently brilliant when the script calls them to be, I honestly didn’t care that they were being cheated on.

These are the most obnoxiously dumb characters I’ve seen this year. How any woman could find this “empowering” is beyond me when the three female leads are stripped clean of any pride, dignity and intelligence. I’m not complaining ’cause I think this is sexist or anything. You should know by now that not much, if anything, offends me, and the male antagonist of the film is portrayed just as stupidly as the females are. I’m complaining ’cause this is a stupid, idiotic, moronic, imbecilic, inept, and utterly clueless (Are you getting the point yet?) film that drained me of any intelligence I had prior to watching this film.

The biggest shame here aside from Nikolaj Coster-Waldau (I just recently showed up to the Game of Thrones party and love Jaime Lannister) is Leslie Mann aka Mrs. Judd Apatow. Mann is one of the funniest actresses around today, but her talent couldn’t be any more wasted in an overplayed, annoying performance that gives her nothing to work with other than to just ramble on to the point you’re so irritated it becomes more increasingly clear as to why she was getting cheated on. Sure, she was slightly insufferable in Knocked Up, but it came off in just the right dose, and she and Rudd were great together. Even Cameron Diaz, who I’m not a big fan of, but still can at least claim There’s Something About Mary, Being John Malkovich, Vanilla Sky and Gangs of New York to her name deserves better than the unlikeable character she plays here. It’s even worse that she tries to make her likeable, only to fail at any attempt in doing so.

And then, of course, there’s Kate Upton. Yeah, I get it. She’s absolutely beautiful and like Helen of Troy has a face and body that could launch a 1,000 ships. She also can’t act her way out of a paper bag. Sure, she’s got all the charm in the world with that smile of hers, but there’s a reason she only gets to speak five word lines every so often, and then just smile, laugh and nod her head in agreement at Diaz and Mann for the remainder of her time onscreen. Essentially, she’s a device used to get all the begrudging boyfriends, scraping their fingernails across the theater lobby floor tiles as their girlfriends drag them to this, to cheer up. Yet, why pay $6-8 to see her onscreen when Google has free images just a few type clicks away?

Yeah, I know. I’m a man, so I’m not the target demographic here and I wouldn’t understand. That may be, but I do know a thinly written – and I mean so thin I’m surprised they can still be visibly seen – character when I see one, and here you not only get one, you get two, three, four, Nicki Minaj as the least annoying out of them all (seriously, chew on that thought for a moment) and Don Johnson collecting a paycheck. Also, consider this. I have a new story idea. It’s about this guy that finds out his wife is cheating on him, so he gets with the man that his wife’s hooking up wife and together they plot to take the bitch down.

Oh, yeah, that would definitely get green-lit.

I don’t know what else to say. As the movie progressed, it’s like I felt possessed by the spirit of Bruce Banner and wanted to burst into a green fit of rage, run up to the screen and yell “HULK SMASH!!!!!!!!” I just absolutely hated this movie. I hated that these characters are void of any sense of rational thought or dimension. I hated that the script is void of any wit, humor and emotion. I hated that the characters that this film believes I should be rooting for aren’t worth rooting for at all. I hated that primary male character is just another flat, one dimensional dickhead we always see in these types of films and I hated that this film is just shy of two hours, yet it felt like an eternity. The only thing that could make me hate this movie any more is if there was some stupid obligatory montage set to Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” while they plot out their devious revenge against the husband. Thank God that didn’t happen.

… Oh, wait… Never mind.

This is actually worse than last week’s A Haunted House 2. In that film’s defense, it was aiming for the lowest common denominator and succeeded in being the pile of crap that it is. The Other Woman has a director and cast members who have all done proven work before, and should know better than to associate themselves with this sort of humorless drivel. It tries to be some kind of female empowerment film, but in the end its lack of wit, charm, heart or any sign of a brain makes The First Wives Club look like Kill Bill.

Damn this movie for making me defend A Haunted House 2, even if for just a brief moment.

I give The Other Woman an F (0 stars).

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