What the Hell Were They Thinking?!

Mitch Buchannon vs. the snakes! David Hasselhoff, Crystal Allen and John Rhys-Davies star in Anaconda 3: Offspring.

Anaconda 3Cast of Characters:
Markos Hammett – David Hasselhoff
Dr. Amanda Hayes – Crystal Allen
Pinkus – Ryan McCluskey
Nick – Patrick Regis
Captain Grozny – Anthony Green
Murdoch – John Rhys-Davies

Director – Don E. FauntLeRoy
Screenplay – Nicholas Davidoff & David Olson
Producer – Alison Semenza
Rated R for bloody violence

At the Wexel Hall scientific lab, two genetically enhanced anacondas – one male and one female – are being researched in an experimentation, funded by industrialist Murdoch (John Rhys-Davies). The hopes of the experiment are that a rare serum, only compatible with snakes, can be extracted in order to create cures for cancer and Alzheimer’s.

As you would expect, those pesky little snakes break free and escape. Research leader Dr. Amanda Hayes (Crystal Allen) joins a group of animal hunters, led by Markos Hammett (David Hasselhoff), in the hopes that they can detain or just kill these slithering creatures before they inevitably kill many, many people.

They are more scared of you than you are of them, though.

Once again, we have a Syfy film that was made for whatever spare change four guys in a network brainstorming session could pull out of their pockets. I’ve seen some horrid CGI before, but holy Industrial Light & Magic, Batman, these are some rancid effects. It’s like they didn’t even try to make them look remotely like an Anaconda. I know. I know. I shouldn’t expect full blown accuracy from Syfy, but looking back at the first Anaconda, at least they made an effort to make it look somewhat real. Here, they probably popped open Windows Paint, clicked on the fat paintbrush tab, drew a giant, black swish of a line, popped in two yellow dots for the eyes, and voila! There’s your snake! Compared to this, 1997’s Anaconda is a National Geographic special.

Of course, like the second entry in the series, we get a convoluted plot that has something to do with genetically engineered snakes ’cause the serum is compatible with them, and yada yada yada, cures for diseases are found. I tried to make some sense of what was going on, but then about 30 seconds into the movie, I was like, “What the hell are you doing?” Silly me and my critics brain, so I removed it. Then I removed my actual brain too, and it all started making sense.

I know what you’re thinking. If it’s compatible with snakes and it’s not a specifically targeted species of snakes, why not play it safe and go for the garter snakes?

‘Cause garter snakes are for pussies. Real men “play God” with the big boys. That’s why.

Per the by-laws of Syfy, we get the Casting Trinity once again. Didn’t believe me the first time with last week’s Bigfoot? Washed up TV star (David Hasselhoff), Washed up film star (John Rhys-Davies) and the young, hot chick (Crystal Allen).

Case closed.

David Hasselhoff seems to be the only one in the movie that seems to realize how ridiculous it is, judging by the constant smug smirk he has spread across his face. Then again, he was probably drunk for the entirety of his shoots. Naturally, I wouldn’t trust my life in the hands of Mitch Buchannon at the local city pool, even in the shallow end. If there’s a 60 ft anaconda (that somehow can roar like a lion) chasing after me, I’ll just save the slithering fiend the work and dive into its mouth myself. If the Hoff’s poor aim with a gun throughout this movie is any indication, I’d end up as serpent food anyway.

Seriously, though, not one shot of him running after the snake in slow-motion to “I’m Always Here”? Come on!

Crystal Allen manages to play the dumbest doctor in the history of med-practice. It’s not just that she has to inform a colleague that someone “has cancer… which means they’re dying” (thank you for clarifying the obvious though). She also, for some reason, thinks she can still save the life of a man after he bled out about a gallon’s worth of blood from his body. Dumb as a rock, but you can’t fault her for lack of determination. Would I trust her with my life in her hands? Hell, I wouldn’t trust her with taking my temperature.

John Rhys-Davis, who’s well known for playing two iconic film roles as Sallah in the Indiana Jones series and Gimli in the Lord of the Rings films, shows up at the beginning, shouts his lines angrily, ’cause I guess that’s how billionaire industrialists talk, and then collects his paycheck. A paycheck that he probably wiped his ass with ’cause Indiana Jones and The Lord of the Rings has him sitting pretty for life already.

Oh, and how could I forget the remaining motley crew? You know, the confidant leader, the tough as nails, butch hairdoed chick, the tough guy, the black guy, the meaningful member that everyone likes probably ’cause he’s got a calm Scottish accent and the horny one that states he’s got a “60 ft. snake too”.

Come on, Syfy, totally implausible. The blood flow alone to get that thing up would kill any average male.

Believe it or not, I actually really enjoyed the first Anaconda. It boasted a talented cast, the plot was simple and it was entertaining. You could call Anaconda 3: Offspring a “cash grab”. That is, if you consider turning in some used DVDs to a pawnshop and collecting $6 a cash grab. You get it all here: cheesy special effects, hammy acting, and a cast so unfamiliar (other than Hasselhoff and Rhys-Davies), you’d swear the casting call was held at a local laundromat in Bithlo, Florida. This is the type of “2 for 1!!” DVD you now see by the checkout counter at a Speedway gas station that’s typically parked by the rack of discount cassette tapes like “Best of Alabama” and “A Merry Christmas With Engelbert Humperdinck”. Expect nothing more.

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